2.10.18 - 19:05

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in a way, i think that my life has drastically changed over the past three years. the last time i even thought about this blog was 2015 so yeah, hello i'm back. not for good though.

in a way, my life is better than it was back then. all the anxiety of the teenage years (which i still am right now but anyways) has gone down quite a bit after i enrolled in a high school. probably the best or the worst decision of my life. no in between.

my life was so nice that i forgot my digital diary, this blog, exists. i guess my contented mind didn't think i need my emotional charger anymore.i had a lot of insecurities growing up, and tenth grade was no exception. it was at least bearable because i ended up having a lot of new (i like to think they are all not fake) friends.

BUT it didn't last long. when i was in eleventh grade, my insecurities skyrocketed, which was balanced by my new ambitious side. i felt that i was the ugliest girl in my class (which is TRUE) but also one of the smartest. okay, that's not balance.

anyway, in eleventh grade, i developed the ugliest crushes ever on two of my classmates. one is because he was kind of sweet to me. like he's an a-hole on the front but secretly he is really caring, i guess. he and i also have a lot in common, like our hobbies, likes, and dislikes. another one is because i spent a lot of time fighting with him so i guess opposites attract? i like him but oftentimes i hate his guts.

the thing is, i never experienced dating. at. all. even more, flirting. so my best attempt of flirting is being rudely straight forward and acting like a very tough girl. yes, did i mention that i like to fight with the two of them? no? well, okay.

in twelfth grade, i share the same class with the like-hate one, and only one class with the sweet one. of course that one class has to be shared with the both of them. kill me. well, there is no apparent progress on my relationship with them. but with the sweet one (i used to bicker a lot with him since tenth grade), i guess it's better now because we can talk to each other like a civil person. on the other hand, i don't know if the like-hate one is better or worse. we started to tease each other a lot but different, like we're flirting (ok what the actual f//ck). oh my friends also teased me saying that i'm dating him, loudly and in class, then one of my girl friend which is also his close friend said that he told her about him liking me ???? and i don't know, i feel really confused right now.

and the reason that i spilled all of that above, is because i suddenly came to a realization. no one would EVER want me. not as a friend, and most definitely not as a girlfriend. i'm probably the ugliest girl ever and annoying and sad and stupid and just really flawed in everything. i'm pretty sure that this was all part of some big joke that the boys in my year played. just because. shiitake mushrooms, am i playing victim again? i'm sorry.

here's to hoping that i can actually be loved for once,
and having someone else be there for you is great too.